Late nights/Early mornings...

It's 4am and I am still wide awake. I've been trying to sleep for the last 4 hours and every time I close my eyes, they just open back up. I've tried everything: praying, playing solitare, listening to slow tunes. Nothing is working! My mind will not shut down and it is making me feel very hostile and frustrated. Perhaps blogging will help?

So what's running through my mind you ask? Well lots of things. The first thing I kept thinking about is the cat. My roommate has a cat and I've been worried about it this week because I'm pretty sure it's missing her like crazy. I'm not particularly affectionate toward animals but I've tried to give it some love this week. But I can't escape the feeling that the cat is going to attack my face while I sleep. Now I know that sounds crazy but lets think about this logically. This cat doesn't know me! There's a stranger sleeping in it's owner's place, feeding it, cleaning it's litter box, giving it water. I feel like she is wondering if she should trust me or if I have killed her owner and taken over her life.

What else am I thinking about? Well running. I want to run tomorrow. I love the feeling I get when I run. There's nothing like it. This is gonna sound totally cliche but running makes me feel so free! I mean, it's like nothing can touch me. I love running until I can't run anymore. Getting to that point where I feel like my lungs are going to collapse if I don't stop. I promise I'm not a masochist, on most days anyway. So I think I will run tomorrow.

I need a job. I haven't worked since June 9 and I'm feeling it. That feeling of...how do I describe it? I guess just...idleness. Yeah, that's a good way to describe it. I feel idle and idleness never leads to anything good for me. Usually results in me being lazy in everything else. Lazy about running, combing my hair, going out into the world. I actually like feeling busy because it helps me appreciate those rare times when I do have some down time and can just relax. I'm over the whole relaxing thing now. I had fun over the summer but I'm ready to jump back into the working class of America.

There are other thoughts floating around this brain of mine. Some I'm afraid to voice. I'm not completely sure why I'm scared to voice them. Maybe because I feel like they are thoughts that make me feel weak. Thoughts that make me feel like I'm not capable of doing what I set out to do. For example, one thought I'm having is, am I supposed to be here. Not here on Earth, but here, in NYC. I don't feel like I made the wrong choice. I feel like this is so right. But I have my doubts. It's weird. Am I doubting because I haven't found a job? Because honestly, that's the only thing that worries me about being here. This week that I have had here has been great! I have felt more independent and more dependent on God than ever before and I love that! But I think not finding a job is affecting my confidence a little more than I care to admit. I keep telling myself "Marquita, it's only been a week, psycho. Calm down." And I come across verses like Psalm 94:18-19: "When I said, 'My foot is slipping,' your unfailing love, Lord, supported me. When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought me joy." But tonight, these things bring me little comfort. And that frustrates me because they are truth. And then crazy things happen unexpectedly, like my mom losing her job today, and it just makes me question even more. God, was I supposed to stay home to take care of my family? Am I being selfish? Are my dreams too lofty? And I don't know what to do with that, ya know?

So yeah...lots of thoughts...Will I be able to afford life? Will we find a 3 bedroom? Will it be nice? Will I make new friends? Will I be brave enough to make new friends? Will my friends have fun when they visit me? What will we do? Will my classes challenge me as a teacher or will I be bored? Will my mom find another job? Will they be ok financially without me? Will I like it here after another week? Will I lose any inches this week? Will the cat poop on the floor again? Will the snow stress me out? Will my new job be something I will enjoy? Will I make enough to pay bills? Will riding the subway get old and annoying at some point? Will I commit to and get plugged into a church? Will I get sleep tonight??